Bidet

     Sorry to be posting about toilets again, but this is a bit of an older story that I want to tell before I forget it too much.
     Rewind back to during my senior year of high school. I stop at my Chinese friend Joseph's house for a couple minutes. I glance into his bathroom to see mysterious green lights. Joseph then ushered me out back into the car before I could investigate further though, so I was forced to ask.

Me: Joseph, what's in your bathroom?

Joseph: A toilet.

Me: No, but what're the lights though?

Joseph: That's the toilet, Dallin.

Me: Toilet's don't usually light up.

Joseph: It's an electric toilet.

Me: What does that even mean?

Joseph: Dallin, just don't even worry about it, okay?



     Now fast-forward a few months to when I am at Joseph's farewell party, as he was to be leaving to serve an LDS Mission. I need to use the restroom, and proceed into his bathroom. Upon entering, I remember my previous experience with seeing the lights and observe that the lights do indeed appear to be coming from the tank on the toilet. I realize I have no choice but to try it out. Keep in mind that I had never used a bidet before. I'd never even seen one. I didn't even know they were called bidets. I knew that there were toilets that would clean you off with water when you were done, but I thought they were just for super rich people in Tokyo or something, and never thought I would encounter one in real life. The important thing is, I had no idea what this toilet was going to do, so I sat down on it.
     It made a simple beep as I applied weight.
     I then notice a remote sitting on the counter. I pick it up, and see a temperature option. I press the button to raise the temperature, and discover my rear seemed to be heating up. "Nice," I think to myself, as I now think I understand what "Electric Toilet" entails. I then see two buttons, labeled "Front" and "Rear". I think to myself that I'm sitting down, so I plan on using my rear, and select that button. Moving my eyes further down the remote, I see a + and - button with lights in between indicating how high or low something is. Not sure what it is, I press the + button until all the lights are on, because naturally, that's better.
     Finally, I come to the bottom of the remote. A large green button, and a large red button. As common sense would require, I start with the green one to see what this magical remote really does. And that's when the bidet turns on.
     You guys. This thing has deadly accuracy. It could shoot the stem off of an apple off of someone's head from four miles away with a Nerf gun. Also it turned out the + and - buttons I had messed with earlier were pressure. And I had the pressure all the way up when this began.
     I screamed. I panicked. I fumbled for the remote but dropped it onto the floor. In my desperation, I managed to clumsily pick it back up and slam my fist down onto the red button. The pressure died down, and as fast as I could, I dried myself off with the toilet paper. I washed my hands and burst out of the bathroom.

Me: Joseph! I'm never using your bathroom again!

Joseph: Dallin what did you do??

Me: YOUR TOILET ATTACKED ME!! It's an evil toilet!

Guy: Wait, what's wrong with his toilet?

Me: Well it has a remote for starters! No toilet should be remote-controlled!

Guy: It has a remote??

     Guy then jumps up and runs into the bathroom. I shake my head at him, and less than a minute later hear familiar cries of alarm coming from the restroom. I then proceed to the kitchen and try to bury my experience in brownies.